Disorder and Disease

I've actually wanted to be diagnosed with a disorder or disease, for someone to come up with an explanation for why I feel the way I do. Each diagnosis was a disappointment, because the explanation did not fix it, and for me, neither did medication or alcoholically numbing it. I kept waking up to a renewed sense of hopelessness and futility, a disappointment, anger and frustration. I've gone to doctors and psychiatrists, and counselors and groups seeking a label that would fix me, they could give me the magic pill and I would be fixed.

It didn't work.

I even had surgery once, removing a vital organ to fix the problems I had.

It didn't work.

Disorder: To disturb the order of, to disturb the regular function of. I've had many. Actually lining them all up I can see why they say "outright mental defective." I mean I was born with defects, so so many defects.

Disease: a condition of the living animal or plant body of one of it's parts that impairs normal function.

I continue to find disorder and disease as ruling points for experiences in my life and I continue to get more disorder and disease in experiences.

I've known and know of people who have lived far beyond the expiration date written on their medical files and in the heads of others as they absorb a worldly idea of how a disease or a disorder progresses. I want what they have... that sense of purpose and peace.

The truth is that a spiritual solution has surpasses all doctors and laymen ideas regarding how one should normally progress or act. It surpasses the expiration date and becomes the most amazing thing. When I focus on the spiritual solution, it works every time. Not mostly, not all but that one time, every time. Of course, it takes Someone much much brighter and more powerful than me to put that all together in a way that short circuit's my ideas, I'm a bright girl, I have lots of ideas. And, I can surround myself quite readily with people who agree with me. Ohh ooh or dump 'em when they don't. But my dis-ease in those situations keeps me thinkin' about those who don't agree with me, who aren't jumping on my bandwagon.

The key for me, is to surround myself with the people who do not agree that God can be placed in a box, can be defined in any way that would hinder or stop the idea that he can and will take away every single problem in my life. To find people who talk about miracles. I was blessed with one, and then a legion of those people whose voices, whose stories I couldn't block out or deny.

The fellowship that has built up around me doesn't allow me to get away with shit anymore, and I love them so much I don't want to be a dung beetle. I have an awareness when I'm in this group, this fellowship that I want to grow, to nourish, to continue to develop. God does absolutely show up and take care of every problem without my help, or permission. I like the focus of the Grace I have continued to receive all these years, to develop the sense of Grace.

Amazing that I lived oblivious for so long with that person or thing, until it stopped working the way I thought, then I realized it had worked a really long time in a diseased state, then I realize its done and I still focus on the sad part of the diseased state and the how was I so blind for so long, and I don't realize that it worked beyond my understanding or my permission and it kept me going for a while... it was a reason to live. It kept me alive a while, it kept me moving in a direction, moving...

When I was a teenager I was in the beginnings of suicidal thoughts and self-hurting tendencies. I used to do stuff like cut myself or over do something just to see if I could feel something. It got worse and I tried to OD on pills at 16 for the first time. It wasn't long after that I heard a speaker at school. He had been brought in because of a few things, some deaths of students (pure accident and induced by alcohol/drug accidents), the nature of the student body at the time... very fractured, very demonstrative, very rebellious, and because a "trouble shooter" was brought in as the principal for a while, to oversee changes to the school and bring in new order.

This man spoke eloquently, he had this way of just moving people with his words. He said one thing I could never forget, I couldn't get out of the tape in my head. He said, "Suicide is the most selfish act you could ever commit" and he went on to describe some of the graphic things that are left for others to deal with when you decide to do something in total self-destruction. I couldn't get that tape to stop playing, even as I was planning my suicides after that, and I did plan them, over and over I thought about them. But that tape, it stayed there, playing... I just couldn't figure my way past it. I just couldn't stop thinking that others would be affected. I didn't believe they cared, but couldn't really set aside the thought that they would be affected. He also spoke about the worth of each person, the things they could DO! That nothing absolutely nothing is impossible when you are working for that right purpose. I couldn't get that out of my head either.

I had a deep down God idea that stuck, even back then. Others are always affected, whether I see it or not, whether I believe it or not. Everything has a purpose, a good purpose, even beyond my ability to rationalize and understand. It is, it does, it always will. I was given many many gifts over my lifetime, gifts I did not realize until much much later. That's the work of God in my life. Those gifts, like the speaker when I was 16, came to fruition as I entered relationship with you ...here and now... I am bearing fruit of those many interactions with God through those who carried him.

Mustard seeds...

I see a bit more now, that idea that was Truth for so long...

"To you has been given the secret of the kingdom of God, but for those outside everything is in parables, so that "they may indeed see but not perceive, and may indeed hear but not understand, lest they should turn and be forgiven."And he said to them, "Do you not understand this parable? How then will you understand all the parables? The sower sows the word. And these are the ones along the path, where the word is sown: when they hear, Satan immediately comes and takes away the word that is sown in them. And these are the ones sown on rocky ground: the ones who, when they hear the word, immediately receive it with joy. And they have no root in themselves, but endure for a while; then, when tribulation or persecution arises on account of the word, immediately they fall away. And others are the ones sown among thorns. They are those who hear the word, but the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it proves unfruitful. But those that were sown on the good soil are the ones who hear the word and accept it and bear fruit, thirtyfold and sixtyfold and a hundredfold."

...And he said, "With what can we compare the kingdom of God, or what parable shall we use for it? It is like a grain of mustard seed, which, when sown on the ground, is the smallest of all the seeds on earth, yet when it is sown it grows up and becomes larger than all the garden plants and puts out large branches, so that the birds of the air can make nests in its shade."

I've never never focused on the spiritual solution and not had it work. In fact, my mere existence today is proof positive that the spiritual idea works surpassing my best ideas and my most brilliant plans for destruction! I've never been able to successfully prove it wrong. (and I have a disordered and diseased head, so I sometimes grudgingly try it to prove that TODAY I will be the exception, but luckily, since experiencing the truth and the miracles, I do not suffer well for long anymore before I become direct-able again) Proving that I'm the exception doesn't work, it just doesn't. I believe it has a lot to do with the God idea I cannot let go of and that I continue to pray for in me and others. God really is powerful, just how powerful, I have yet to learn completely, he just keeps getting more powerful and more capable, and more...

The rule is, and always was, this idea, the God idea, never fails.

Thank GOD! Because I have lots of disease and disorders according to doctors and psychiatrists, diseases and disorders that kill, devastate, obliterate life.

If the God idea worked so well on the alcohol problem which was both a disorder and disease, then could it TRULY work on all my problems, on every one?

God, I am now ready that you SHOULD have ALL OF ME, good and bad. Please remove from me every single defect of character (character disorder) which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me the strength as I go out from here to do your bidding.

Link to a really interesting article on Character Disorder reading this made me a little more hopeless and dependent on the God idea that ya'll keep talking about. You and your miracles... you've ruined me for normal life!

How great is that!?!

Thank you all for continuing to share your God experiences and to God for continuing to participate with me...

I love it when that happens