As we continue to work on bringing this CR ministry into the light I had a realization when I was out for coffee with another of our leaders.
The week before we actually launch the program is the men's ministry. This is an anniversary of sorts, you see it was at a men's ministry 1 year ago that our rector began to pray for this program to be brought to St. Andrews. It was at the retreat a year ago that one of the men stood up and gave testimony about how CR had brought him into recovery for his Alcohol Addiction and others stood up speaking of their struggles with alcohol, pornography, etc...
The speaker at this year's retreat is none other than Chris Warner, rector at St. Christopher Camp who was at Holy Cross when they brought CR to their church, and is in recovery himself (alcohol and drugs). Chris was one of the speakers at our Luncheon a few weeks back.
Is it a co-incidence that this retreat falls on the eve of the launch of St. Andrews Celebrate Recovery program? I think not.
God has moved this into existance in his specific timing and I don't think it's any coincidence that this retreat falls on the eve of the launch, that the launch has fallen on Shawn's sobriety anniversary date and that we have everything we need and a group of incredibly dedicated people who will be working with us on this.
YAY GOD!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Monday, December 31, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Christmas Eve and Day: Struggles with the year past and year to come
Christmas Eve
Opportunities…
This year we have almost nothing to our names. We have no way of sending big, or even small, gifts to anyone. We had just enough to send each of the kids a little something and that’s it. Shawn and I aren’t buying anything for each other at all and there is struggle in even making sure the kids get something.
This kind of poor I’ve never been. I’ve struggled before, but have always had just a little more than enough to juggle around the holidays so that gifts are bought and sent, so that there is a little bit of spoiling that goes on. This Christmas my focus has to be different. We have to focus on the blessings we have rather than what we can give. And now I have to look back on all I have done and realize that I really haven’t had money in Christmas’ past, I’ve just juggled what I had, and truly had blessings because friends and parents took great care of me when I was stupid and irresponsible. I don’t know how to repay those who have taken care of me in the past. Mom and Dad, Colleen and Scott (over and over again), Grandma and Grandpa Wyatt, Kristi and Suz… How do you repay those who gave so much to you? Now is the time I think so much of each of the people who have been in my life, and of those who have moved in and out again and I really learn to appreciate the love and friendship that each has given, that I hope I have shown in some small way. I am so lucky and so blessed. One of the great things about Christianity is that you start to see reasons for the movements your life has taken. It’s funny because one of the things that bothered me the most pre-acceptance of this new way of life was all the hurt and anger. I didn’t see a reason for all of my experiences and tended to focus on all of the bad and sad stuff, and I couldn’t get my head around why anyone would want to continue to be in a relationship with someone who was so screwed up. Then there was the question, how could a loving God (fill in the blank)…
How could a loving God allow war?
How could a loving God allow cancer?
How could a loving God allow alcoholism?
How could a loving God allow people to suffer?
How could a loving God allow …
If it weren’t for all of those things though, would we understand ourselves? Would we be as likely to be gracious, accepting, forgiving? Would we be able to help one another as easily if things weren’t put in our paths to show us that we are all fallible, that we are all weak?
I can see a path that my life has taken now. I didn’t see one before, and I certainly couldn’t see that I was worthwhile to anyone prior to learning how God could use me to help someone else; how He could use my mistakes, stupidity, and hurts to assist someone else. Even if that was all there was to Christianity it would be enough. If the only thing I got out of it was the ability to see a use for the past 37 years of screw-ups it would be enough. It’s much more than that for me because I can actually feel the supernatural and experience the supernatural power of Spirit, so I know it’s more than just some set of rules in a divinely inspired book, more than just history, but even if it were just history and a guide for how to use my past to help others with their hurts, I would be content.
The thing I’m the most grateful for this year is the fact that I have been given the task of bringing a recovery program to a church that up until now didn’t have one. That I have tools and experiences that will help someone else through the difficulties of depression, food issues, co-dependence and living with alcoholism. My hurts and mistakes can assist someone else with their hurts, help others to get out of the black hole of depression, that’s pretty cool.
Christmas 2007
Today was beautiful and difficult. I miss family and was able to chat with everyone on the phone, but it felt removed. I miss the chaos of home (I believe I’m echoing the sentiment of Thanksgiving) I am grateful for blessings because I do have many, but I get sad too. We went to a wonderful friend’s house for Christmas dinner, and it was truly awesome. I loved eating with the family and sitting watching an old movie with them too, it was very homey and warm and wonderful. As we drove back home Shawn and I agreed it was a terrific Christmas, but we also agreed it was as difficult as it was wonderful. We both felt jealous. Jealous not of the fact that their house is large and beautiful and that they have a beautiful water view out back, but jealous of the feel of home, the sense of permanence that permeated the air, that you felt as you sat in the living room. The permanence of the kids running in and out with friends, the phones ringing and the warmth that just is in their house. I wondered aloud “what am I missing?”
Shawn said, “time.” Time in relationship, remember that these families we know and socialize with have been together for over 20 years. What we have experienced, each time a marriage breaks apart everything falls apart and you are left rebuilding from the ground up.
Of course, each of my marriages lasted less than 2 years so I really had nothing built up anyway, even though the relationships I was in had lasted years there was nothing permanent built in those years, it was all a house built of a deck of cards precariously balanced on a mound of sand. It occurred to me that Shawn was completely right. Time is what I was missing. There’s a parable in that; the parable of building on sand vs. stone. And I’ve reaped the life I sowed on that sand mound it was unstable and bound to fall apart. Now it’s time to build on stone. Over a year ago we had prayed and the message we got was “grow where you are planted.” I’m still not entirely sure what that means, but I am determined to continue to live into it and find out.
I wonder why God has put us in the place where most of the people we know are in a social-status that is so far beyond us. I know that may sound weird and awful, but I really do wonder. We hear the messages at St. Andrews and most of the messages are to a congregation that is very monetarily wealthy. We live and socialize with families who live quite comfortably with one income. I know that much of the way I live is an experience of my mistakes, I don’t have anyone to blame but myself, but it still seems weird that we are in a place of that caliber and we have absolutely no clue whatsoever how we will pay rent for January; how we are going to keep the electricity and water on, and how we will afford gas for the cars for the next few weeks much less how badly each of the cars need tune ups and general maintenance. We are truly poor and I struggle to remember that it doesn’t matter in Gods eyes and that those who look with Gods eyes don’t judge based on that, but I still have trouble wondering if people notice that I don’t have regular hair cuts because I really can’t afford to, or that my shoes are worn out, or that I really can’t afford to go out for coffee whenever I want to because that’s a quarter of my weeks food budget right now. God continues to provide just what we need, and I have to admit that we have robbed Peter to pay Paul and have asked Gods grace when doing so. The ladies at the check cashing place are on a first name basis with me because for the last three months we’ve advanced a check to pay rent on time so that we keep our contract with our landlords. It’s humiliating and my heart aches every time I go there. I’ve continually called utilities to arrange late payment, reduced payment, forbearances… it’s horrible.
I wonder what the next year will bring. This last year has been a year of transition, of sacrifice, of struggle and tests of faith and fortitude. We have continued to grow and to make mistakes.
This year I pray for a break in the pattern of stress and difficulty, I pray for balance and for a sense of security. I hope that we have passed enough test of faith that God can give us some security and allow that “grow where you are planted” to be growth of a home as well as faith.
Even through all of the difficulty and trials I’m so much happier and more content than I’ve ever been before. For me it’s proof positive that having God in my life now is light years better than life prior to this.
I pray that all of my friends and family know they are worthwhile, loved and cherished and that God gives them blessings beyond measure in this new year to come!
Opportunities…
This year we have almost nothing to our names. We have no way of sending big, or even small, gifts to anyone. We had just enough to send each of the kids a little something and that’s it. Shawn and I aren’t buying anything for each other at all and there is struggle in even making sure the kids get something.
This kind of poor I’ve never been. I’ve struggled before, but have always had just a little more than enough to juggle around the holidays so that gifts are bought and sent, so that there is a little bit of spoiling that goes on. This Christmas my focus has to be different. We have to focus on the blessings we have rather than what we can give. And now I have to look back on all I have done and realize that I really haven’t had money in Christmas’ past, I’ve just juggled what I had, and truly had blessings because friends and parents took great care of me when I was stupid and irresponsible. I don’t know how to repay those who have taken care of me in the past. Mom and Dad, Colleen and Scott (over and over again), Grandma and Grandpa Wyatt, Kristi and Suz… How do you repay those who gave so much to you? Now is the time I think so much of each of the people who have been in my life, and of those who have moved in and out again and I really learn to appreciate the love and friendship that each has given, that I hope I have shown in some small way. I am so lucky and so blessed. One of the great things about Christianity is that you start to see reasons for the movements your life has taken. It’s funny because one of the things that bothered me the most pre-acceptance of this new way of life was all the hurt and anger. I didn’t see a reason for all of my experiences and tended to focus on all of the bad and sad stuff, and I couldn’t get my head around why anyone would want to continue to be in a relationship with someone who was so screwed up. Then there was the question, how could a loving God (fill in the blank)…
How could a loving God allow war?
How could a loving God allow cancer?
How could a loving God allow alcoholism?
How could a loving God allow people to suffer?
How could a loving God allow …
If it weren’t for all of those things though, would we understand ourselves? Would we be as likely to be gracious, accepting, forgiving? Would we be able to help one another as easily if things weren’t put in our paths to show us that we are all fallible, that we are all weak?
I can see a path that my life has taken now. I didn’t see one before, and I certainly couldn’t see that I was worthwhile to anyone prior to learning how God could use me to help someone else; how He could use my mistakes, stupidity, and hurts to assist someone else. Even if that was all there was to Christianity it would be enough. If the only thing I got out of it was the ability to see a use for the past 37 years of screw-ups it would be enough. It’s much more than that for me because I can actually feel the supernatural and experience the supernatural power of Spirit, so I know it’s more than just some set of rules in a divinely inspired book, more than just history, but even if it were just history and a guide for how to use my past to help others with their hurts, I would be content.
The thing I’m the most grateful for this year is the fact that I have been given the task of bringing a recovery program to a church that up until now didn’t have one. That I have tools and experiences that will help someone else through the difficulties of depression, food issues, co-dependence and living with alcoholism. My hurts and mistakes can assist someone else with their hurts, help others to get out of the black hole of depression, that’s pretty cool.
Christmas 2007
Today was beautiful and difficult. I miss family and was able to chat with everyone on the phone, but it felt removed. I miss the chaos of home (I believe I’m echoing the sentiment of Thanksgiving) I am grateful for blessings because I do have many, but I get sad too. We went to a wonderful friend’s house for Christmas dinner, and it was truly awesome. I loved eating with the family and sitting watching an old movie with them too, it was very homey and warm and wonderful. As we drove back home Shawn and I agreed it was a terrific Christmas, but we also agreed it was as difficult as it was wonderful. We both felt jealous. Jealous not of the fact that their house is large and beautiful and that they have a beautiful water view out back, but jealous of the feel of home, the sense of permanence that permeated the air, that you felt as you sat in the living room. The permanence of the kids running in and out with friends, the phones ringing and the warmth that just is in their house. I wondered aloud “what am I missing?”
Shawn said, “time.” Time in relationship, remember that these families we know and socialize with have been together for over 20 years. What we have experienced, each time a marriage breaks apart everything falls apart and you are left rebuilding from the ground up.
Of course, each of my marriages lasted less than 2 years so I really had nothing built up anyway, even though the relationships I was in had lasted years there was nothing permanent built in those years, it was all a house built of a deck of cards precariously balanced on a mound of sand. It occurred to me that Shawn was completely right. Time is what I was missing. There’s a parable in that; the parable of building on sand vs. stone. And I’ve reaped the life I sowed on that sand mound it was unstable and bound to fall apart. Now it’s time to build on stone. Over a year ago we had prayed and the message we got was “grow where you are planted.” I’m still not entirely sure what that means, but I am determined to continue to live into it and find out.
I wonder why God has put us in the place where most of the people we know are in a social-status that is so far beyond us. I know that may sound weird and awful, but I really do wonder. We hear the messages at St. Andrews and most of the messages are to a congregation that is very monetarily wealthy. We live and socialize with families who live quite comfortably with one income. I know that much of the way I live is an experience of my mistakes, I don’t have anyone to blame but myself, but it still seems weird that we are in a place of that caliber and we have absolutely no clue whatsoever how we will pay rent for January; how we are going to keep the electricity and water on, and how we will afford gas for the cars for the next few weeks much less how badly each of the cars need tune ups and general maintenance. We are truly poor and I struggle to remember that it doesn’t matter in Gods eyes and that those who look with Gods eyes don’t judge based on that, but I still have trouble wondering if people notice that I don’t have regular hair cuts because I really can’t afford to, or that my shoes are worn out, or that I really can’t afford to go out for coffee whenever I want to because that’s a quarter of my weeks food budget right now. God continues to provide just what we need, and I have to admit that we have robbed Peter to pay Paul and have asked Gods grace when doing so. The ladies at the check cashing place are on a first name basis with me because for the last three months we’ve advanced a check to pay rent on time so that we keep our contract with our landlords. It’s humiliating and my heart aches every time I go there. I’ve continually called utilities to arrange late payment, reduced payment, forbearances… it’s horrible.
I wonder what the next year will bring. This last year has been a year of transition, of sacrifice, of struggle and tests of faith and fortitude. We have continued to grow and to make mistakes.
This year I pray for a break in the pattern of stress and difficulty, I pray for balance and for a sense of security. I hope that we have passed enough test of faith that God can give us some security and allow that “grow where you are planted” to be growth of a home as well as faith.
Even through all of the difficulty and trials I’m so much happier and more content than I’ve ever been before. For me it’s proof positive that having God in my life now is light years better than life prior to this.
I pray that all of my friends and family know they are worthwhile, loved and cherished and that God gives them blessings beyond measure in this new year to come!
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Around the table...
It's a long standing assertion of mine that the world is deteriorating based on the disappearance of the dinner table. You know, the way we all used to gather around a table to eat. Angry or happy, hungry or not, we sat around the table and sat together, talking or not we gathered as a community/family and were together. Now we run quickly through the drive through, sit in front of the television, eat at our desks or on the run.
Yesterday I picked up a book at the library thinking, "hmmm interesting title," and also having read it wondered what insights it may have.
The book, Praying at Burger King, by Richard Mouw, was touted as a book written about the inner and outer workings of Christians being congruent. In other words the Spirit working within us should reflect in our every day lives (not just at church once a week). I didn't really get that from the book, but in the second to last chapter I stumbled on what I think is "divine truth."
Yesterday I picked up a book at the library thinking, "hmmm interesting title," and also having read it wondered what insights it may have.
The book, Praying at Burger King, by Richard Mouw, was touted as a book written about the inner and outer workings of Christians being congruent. In other words the Spirit working within us should reflect in our every day lives (not just at church once a week). I didn't really get that from the book, but in the second to last chapter I stumbled on what I think is "divine truth."
"...Civil society is in big trouble. At least that is what a number of social commentators have been telling us lately. By "civil society" they mean that broad network of associations and relationships in free society that stand between the individual and the state: clubs, teams, neighborhood groups, churches, PTAs, veterans organizations, fraternities, sororities and service clubs. Without these things we run the risk of either getting caught up in fragmenting individualism on the one hand or being absorbed into the totalitarian political system on the other. They help to give us our sense of social identity. And the evidence seems to show that these ways of relating to each other are in serious decline..."
"...However else we might want to evaluate the current debate about civil
society, I am convinced of this much: eating alone is a big social problem. We ought to be especially worried about the virtual disappearance of the daily family meal. The companies that operate college cafeterias tell us that students today don't dine - they graze. They seldom relax for a whole meal eaten in the presence of a group of friends. They grab a sandwich here, a salad there, a yogurt cone there, with a minimum of socializing. And this in turn is a pattern they learn at home. Individual family members eat at different times. Some do most of their
eating standing up. And even when people do happen to eat in the same room, they often are watching television or chewing their food while listening to music through headphones."
I agree with Mouw, we have lost a great deal! Eating with my family was the place that I learned social skills, manners, debate, conversation and communication. Was it always the best? No, but it was extremely important to my growth and development as an intelligent social being. We discuss important topics, we have relevant debates, we show love and pain, we experience life with others in relationship. Mouw asserts that while he has no idea what the family homes of students who go to schools and open fire are like, he would bet that there is a lack of family table relationship and I would place my bet in that direction as well.
There is a correlation with Christianity in this theory as well. Meals are an important part of Christ's teachings. The pinnacle of Jesus' life and teachings was the last supper. It was at that table, with his students/friends/extended family, that Jesus gave one of his last great lessons. Just before his death he broke bread and poured wine eating with these loved ones and he told them to keep having that kind of meal together, "in remembrance of me." The major stuff of life in the bible all occurred around food, feasts, banquets... the laws, the sacrifices, and later the teaching and relationships that Jesus was involved in surrounded food and drink.
In my experience, most of the best times in my life revolve around the table. Fun and laughter with friends, holidays with families, coffee and conversation, working out the answers to the world's problems, games and cards, great conversations with my mom ... all around the table.
Why did I ever stop? Will I commit to working on this? To enhancing my relationships with friends and family and clean all the piles off of the dining room table and use it as it was intended?
Friday, December 21, 2007
Concrete proof or heartfelt faith?
Christian or follower? I've been reading a book "Jim and Casper go to Church." It's written by a pastor and atheist. Together they visited a plethora of churches and wrote about their experience at each.
The thing that really struck me was what Casper (the atheist) said about Christians. It's something that I not only hear on a regular basis, it's something that I experienced and hope never to be at this end. There are many people who define Christians as those who hammer you with their knowledge of the concrete proof of God. People who judge and condemn based on what they know to be true.
What I know to be true is very little. I know that while I was living by my own will I screwed up an awful lot more than I do now. I had a lot of unresolved guilt, shame, anger and hurt. I was depressed a lot and I didn't know how to get myself out of the 'mean reds' (nod to Breakfast at Tiffany's). I know that I like what I read in the Bible, I know that I like what I hear when our pastors speak on Wednesdays and Sundays and I know I love the vibrant beautiful music that Dwight and the worship team play. I know that I love singing, I love raising my hands, clapping, moving to the music. I know that I love when I share something that seems to resonate with someone. I know that I love the recovery groups I've been participating in. I know that I have lots of great friends who are supportive and have awesome perspectives on life.
I also know that I have loads of friends who aren't Christian. I know that my love for them is no less than those who are. I in fact love many of my non-christian friends very deeply. They would do anything for me, and I hope they know that I would for them as well. I know that I have awesome and lively discussions with them, that I understand their perspectives and that they aren't interested in converting to Christianity.
Faith or concrete proof?
There is no "concrete proof" of God. Well, at least there is no real lasting DNA evidence of God's existence. I feel very strongly that in my life I have witnessed, felt and known the proof of God's existence. I have weighed the evidence of Jesus' existence and I believe the Bible to be a true historic record of his existence and believe that he is the Son of God. I believe. That's all I can say, and it's all anyone really should say. I don't "know" I don't have physical DNA proof. I just have writings and have experienced things in my life that I don't care to explain any other way at this point.
I was speaking to someone while hanging out at Starbucks this week and what it came down to was that I tend to weigh the evidence a lot. I go back and look at the things I've experienced, I weigh my experiences with other religions, with other non-religious experiences and I find that in following what I've learned Biblically, what I've experienced in this Church, what I've experienced with recovery meetings and following the 12-step process, I feel so much more vibrancy and power; so much more love, happiness and joy; and I believe that it's because God exists and because Jesus sacrificed himself for me.
I think I really just want to be labeled "follower." It's easier and comes with a lot less baggage.
I hope that I never become one of those people who beat people over the head; that I never judge people; that I never condemn anyone; and that I reflect the love of God always.
The thing that really struck me was what Casper (the atheist) said about Christians. It's something that I not only hear on a regular basis, it's something that I experienced and hope never to be at this end. There are many people who define Christians as those who hammer you with their knowledge of the concrete proof of God. People who judge and condemn based on what they know to be true.
What I know to be true is very little. I know that while I was living by my own will I screwed up an awful lot more than I do now. I had a lot of unresolved guilt, shame, anger and hurt. I was depressed a lot and I didn't know how to get myself out of the 'mean reds' (nod to Breakfast at Tiffany's). I know that I like what I read in the Bible, I know that I like what I hear when our pastors speak on Wednesdays and Sundays and I know I love the vibrant beautiful music that Dwight and the worship team play. I know that I love singing, I love raising my hands, clapping, moving to the music. I know that I love when I share something that seems to resonate with someone. I know that I love the recovery groups I've been participating in. I know that I have lots of great friends who are supportive and have awesome perspectives on life.
I also know that I have loads of friends who aren't Christian. I know that my love for them is no less than those who are. I in fact love many of my non-christian friends very deeply. They would do anything for me, and I hope they know that I would for them as well. I know that I have awesome and lively discussions with them, that I understand their perspectives and that they aren't interested in converting to Christianity.
Faith or concrete proof?
There is no "concrete proof" of God. Well, at least there is no real lasting DNA evidence of God's existence. I feel very strongly that in my life I have witnessed, felt and known the proof of God's existence. I have weighed the evidence of Jesus' existence and I believe the Bible to be a true historic record of his existence and believe that he is the Son of God. I believe. That's all I can say, and it's all anyone really should say. I don't "know" I don't have physical DNA proof. I just have writings and have experienced things in my life that I don't care to explain any other way at this point.
I was speaking to someone while hanging out at Starbucks this week and what it came down to was that I tend to weigh the evidence a lot. I go back and look at the things I've experienced, I weigh my experiences with other religions, with other non-religious experiences and I find that in following what I've learned Biblically, what I've experienced in this Church, what I've experienced with recovery meetings and following the 12-step process, I feel so much more vibrancy and power; so much more love, happiness and joy; and I believe that it's because God exists and because Jesus sacrificed himself for me.
I think I really just want to be labeled "follower." It's easier and comes with a lot less baggage.
I hope that I never become one of those people who beat people over the head; that I never judge people; that I never condemn anyone; and that I reflect the love of God always.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Happy Holidays!
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ONE AND ALL!!!!
Yes, we must torture the poor puppies at least once a year with the silly head bands.
They were so good sitting for this photo!
My Christmas thoughtfulness for the year is based on this quote:
It came to me, recently, that faith is “a certain widening of the imagination.” When Mary asked the Angel, “How shall these things be?” she was asking God to widen her imagination.All my life I have been requesting the same thing–a baptized imagination that has a wide enough faith to see the numinous in the ordinary. Without discarding reason, or analysis, I seek from my Muse, the Holy Spirit, images that will open up reality and pull me in to its center. This is the benison of the sacramental view of life. -Luci Shaw
It came to me, recently, that faith is “a certain widening of the imagination.” When Mary asked the Angel, “How shall these things be?” she was asking God to widen her imagination.All my life I have been requesting the same thing–a baptized imagination that has a wide enough faith to see the numinous in the ordinary. Without discarding reason, or analysis, I seek from my Muse, the Holy Spirit, images that will open up reality and pull me in to its center. This is the benison of the sacramental view of life. -Luci Shaw
Just an observation
Life is hard, there's no denying it. This year has been another tough one as we have moved, Shawn's job situation has been erratic and we've been working so hard to bring CR to St. Andrew's. It's an awesome responsibility both in terms of size and blessings.
I won't lie, there have been times over this year I've wanted to quit, to scream, to beat my head against a wall, to cry, to throw things... but all in all life with God has been so much better than it was before.
The before was me not acknowledging the presence of the Spirit, of God, in my daily life. Not noticing all of those things that happened with no rational explanation as to why it occurred.
The now is me saying "thanks God" each time I do wake up and notice. Waking up each morning with thank yous in my head, and going to sleep each night consciously thinking of all of the people who have touched me throughout my life and asking for blessings for them, and asking God to help me in my life too.
I realize now that my definition of Christianity was always based on my misguided thinking that someone else, some other "human" had a handle on who God was and what kind of entity he was. That someone else defined good/evil, that other humans were allowed to judge based on the Bible, and now I know that it just isn't true. Other people do judge, but they don't do it on God's behalf, they do it based on their own wills.
God is the only one who can judge me. He is the only one who can judge and condemn my thoughts, actions and behaviors.
Others can judge and condemn too, but really it doesn't matter because they don't determine my fate, they don't control my happiness, God does and I do. I make decisions that come with consequences and God develops the consequences.
I kinda like that way of life.
As an added bonus, as I align my life to live closer to the examples set forth by Jesus, I find that I am happier, healthier and a better person.
I won't lie, there have been times over this year I've wanted to quit, to scream, to beat my head against a wall, to cry, to throw things... but all in all life with God has been so much better than it was before.
The before was me not acknowledging the presence of the Spirit, of God, in my daily life. Not noticing all of those things that happened with no rational explanation as to why it occurred.
The now is me saying "thanks God" each time I do wake up and notice. Waking up each morning with thank yous in my head, and going to sleep each night consciously thinking of all of the people who have touched me throughout my life and asking for blessings for them, and asking God to help me in my life too.
I realize now that my definition of Christianity was always based on my misguided thinking that someone else, some other "human" had a handle on who God was and what kind of entity he was. That someone else defined good/evil, that other humans were allowed to judge based on the Bible, and now I know that it just isn't true. Other people do judge, but they don't do it on God's behalf, they do it based on their own wills.
God is the only one who can judge me. He is the only one who can judge and condemn my thoughts, actions and behaviors.
Others can judge and condemn too, but really it doesn't matter because they don't determine my fate, they don't control my happiness, God does and I do. I make decisions that come with consequences and God develops the consequences.
I kinda like that way of life.
As an added bonus, as I align my life to live closer to the examples set forth by Jesus, I find that I am happier, healthier and a better person.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Conflict...Say what you need to.
Sometimes you have conflict. Sometimes inside of you, sometimes in relationship with others. How do you deal with it?
In my experience, and I am by no means an expert or perfect at practicing what I "teach," there are a few things to look at.
And this is for me, it's my experience and opinion, so it can be taken or left where you read it.
1) Live by this rule: Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said BY ME? Does it need to be said by me NOW?
2) If I ask a lot of questions in a round about fashion to try to get the answer to my fears or insecurities and I don't come right out and ask; thinking I'm being nicer, kinder, more gentle, I'm probably doing it wrong. I'm not saying I have to be outright mean, but there is something to be said for bluntness and just saying, hey I'm struggling in my relationship with you now, can I share some of my feelings and see if we can work it out?
3) Is my conflict based in fear that is unfounded. In other words do I have experience with the person or process that tells me, oh this person is evil or oh this thing is bad because I've had a history of bad experience to back my feelings up.
Now, if I do decide to engage it's important to engage in a healthy manner. Recovery has taught me that everything is "in my experience" if it starts with "You" I'm probably doing it wrong. If I'm saying "but," I need to be very careful of my intentions and I'd better have done inventory on myself and my feelings.
When someone speaks, I need to listen with the intention of understanding their point-of-view and in the heat of conflict I need to mirror what they have said, "what I heard was..." "It's my understanding that you feel..." and let them clarify if it's needed.
When all is said and done, it's my understanding of someone else's experience of me that helps to clean my side of the street. So I need to look at what I have done to participate in the conflict and what I can do to make the person more comfortable. If I have done inventory on what my participation is and I don't have a resolution to their feelings, I can't participate in the solution, it's up to them to work out their own street cleaning process.
In my experience, and I am by no means an expert or perfect at practicing what I "teach," there are a few things to look at.
And this is for me, it's my experience and opinion, so it can be taken or left where you read it.
1) Live by this rule: Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said BY ME? Does it need to be said by me NOW?
2) If I ask a lot of questions in a round about fashion to try to get the answer to my fears or insecurities and I don't come right out and ask; thinking I'm being nicer, kinder, more gentle, I'm probably doing it wrong. I'm not saying I have to be outright mean, but there is something to be said for bluntness and just saying, hey I'm struggling in my relationship with you now, can I share some of my feelings and see if we can work it out?
3) Is my conflict based in fear that is unfounded. In other words do I have experience with the person or process that tells me, oh this person is evil or oh this thing is bad because I've had a history of bad experience to back my feelings up.
Now, if I do decide to engage it's important to engage in a healthy manner. Recovery has taught me that everything is "in my experience" if it starts with "You" I'm probably doing it wrong. If I'm saying "but," I need to be very careful of my intentions and I'd better have done inventory on myself and my feelings.
When someone speaks, I need to listen with the intention of understanding their point-of-view and in the heat of conflict I need to mirror what they have said, "what I heard was..." "It's my understanding that you feel..." and let them clarify if it's needed.
When all is said and done, it's my understanding of someone else's experience of me that helps to clean my side of the street. So I need to look at what I have done to participate in the conflict and what I can do to make the person more comfortable. If I have done inventory on what my participation is and I don't have a resolution to their feelings, I can't participate in the solution, it's up to them to work out their own street cleaning process.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Thinking about it
I'm reading a book called Jim and Casper go to Church. Jim is a pastor (Christian) and Casper is an atheist. They visit churches around the US and the resulting book is a conversation between them about the experience from both perspectives.
It does make you think.
Right now, the book and the stuff that we're being taught each Sunday are marinating in my brain and coming out in weird ways.
First, I think it would be really really interesting to set up a "Real World" Christian edition. Would 12 followers put together in the same house for a year reflect Christ in their behaviors actions and lives. At St. Andrews there is a group of people that gets together and does life.
Explained: Year team is a "course is for young adults who are prepared to commit a year in realizing the potential that God has for their lives within the setting of a local church.
While there is no age limit, Year Team is a big commitment and is aimed at young adults seeking greater practical involvement, more personal interaction and deeper investment."
I think it would be interesting to have a group of Christians of a variety of ages (12 would be good) willing to do this in a fashion that allows it to be recorded, blogged, and/or broadcast. It would be really interesting to see how that lived out. I'd do it, as nuts as it sounds, to me it seems like if we are truly committed to reflecting Jesus and walking the walk, it's only fair to be viewed in fullness just like all those other reality shows. A compare and contrast post-modern style. The participants would make mistakes, have issues, have conflict, and also have real beautiful interactions and experiences. Why not?
There's lots of others stuff rattling around in here, but ... for now... this is enough.
It does make you think.
Right now, the book and the stuff that we're being taught each Sunday are marinating in my brain and coming out in weird ways.
First, I think it would be really really interesting to set up a "Real World" Christian edition. Would 12 followers put together in the same house for a year reflect Christ in their behaviors actions and lives. At St. Andrews there is a group of people that gets together and does life.
Explained: Year team is a "course is for young adults who are prepared to commit a year in realizing the potential that God has for their lives within the setting of a local church.
While there is no age limit, Year Team is a big commitment and is aimed at young adults seeking greater practical involvement, more personal interaction and deeper investment."
I think it would be interesting to have a group of Christians of a variety of ages (12 would be good) willing to do this in a fashion that allows it to be recorded, blogged, and/or broadcast. It would be really interesting to see how that lived out. I'd do it, as nuts as it sounds, to me it seems like if we are truly committed to reflecting Jesus and walking the walk, it's only fair to be viewed in fullness just like all those other reality shows. A compare and contrast post-modern style. The participants would make mistakes, have issues, have conflict, and also have real beautiful interactions and experiences. Why not?
There's lots of others stuff rattling around in here, but ... for now... this is enough.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Again with the struggles...
The Luncheon that we put on for Celebrate Recovery was so awesome. We had wonderful volunteers who cooked food, greeted people, served food, helped to set-up and clean-up and the speakers who came were amazing!!!
I gave my first 'open talk' too which was ... well I cried and it wasn't what I would call smooth, but it was heart-felt and I think it helped people to understand the program better. I think....
But I'm struggling because I'm tired and we've been going at this non-stop for a few months now and each time the momentum stops I feel ... overwhelmed. While the momentum is going it's exciting and I'm able to get the excitement to override my exhaustion, but when we hit a speed bump or a wall I feel each more intensely than the last.
I'm trying to figure out where I fit, how I fit, when I fit (as I'm sure all of us are) and trying to figure out what God's will is for this.
We had great turn out, but we're still short male leaders, and have volunteers for some positions but aren't sure yet what it will look like or if those volunteers are ready to serve every Friday night for the foreseeable future, at least through the spring anyway.
We were blessed to have two members of clergy attend both as speakers and both spoke from the standpoint of being in recovery and from bringing recovery programs to a church. It was so great!
Our other speakers were from AA, Alanon, NA and Celebrate Recovery back-grounds.
It was very successful! And very rewarding to be a part of that effort.
I'm just feeling a little fatigue. When you're called to take on something as massive as this is, it seems overwhelming at times. I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm working hard enough, if I'm carrying the right message, if I'm doing too much, if I'm controlling it or God is, if ... if.... if
Yup I still need recovery!!! Good thing I know a good program for that.
I gave my first 'open talk' too which was ... well I cried and it wasn't what I would call smooth, but it was heart-felt and I think it helped people to understand the program better. I think....
But I'm struggling because I'm tired and we've been going at this non-stop for a few months now and each time the momentum stops I feel ... overwhelmed. While the momentum is going it's exciting and I'm able to get the excitement to override my exhaustion, but when we hit a speed bump or a wall I feel each more intensely than the last.
I'm trying to figure out where I fit, how I fit, when I fit (as I'm sure all of us are) and trying to figure out what God's will is for this.
We had great turn out, but we're still short male leaders, and have volunteers for some positions but aren't sure yet what it will look like or if those volunteers are ready to serve every Friday night for the foreseeable future, at least through the spring anyway.
We were blessed to have two members of clergy attend both as speakers and both spoke from the standpoint of being in recovery and from bringing recovery programs to a church. It was so great!
Our other speakers were from AA, Alanon, NA and Celebrate Recovery back-grounds.
It was very successful! And very rewarding to be a part of that effort.
I'm just feeling a little fatigue. When you're called to take on something as massive as this is, it seems overwhelming at times. I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm working hard enough, if I'm carrying the right message, if I'm doing too much, if I'm controlling it or God is, if ... if.... if
Yup I still need recovery!!! Good thing I know a good program for that.
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