5 Words: Random Association: another spiritual experience

Ahhhh.... 5 words can affect the soul deeply!
Thanks to Kristin for sharing the fun!

oil:
Anointed with ethereal aroma.
The sound and smell of the crackling in the kitchen as grandma began the morning spiritual ritual of breakfast. Standing in her housecoat in the kitchen, hair still in the net from the night's sleep, she stood at the stove, cast iron skillets at the ready, bacon sizzling, biscuits baking. She cracked the eggs gathered the day before in the coop out back into the oil slick made by the bacon sizzling. Coffee perking and the sounds of the waking of the farm as you wipe the crispy sands the sandman left behind from your eyes
sitting quietly waiting for the day's adventure to begin.

pocket:
Frogs. When I was little I loved to find frogs and put them in my pockets.
At dusk, on the still warm cement foundation of old patio
where the trailer used to stand before the big house was finished.
I played with those frogs gathering them into fairytale armies and listened to the cicadas and crickets sing while I watched the hundreds of lightning bugs in rhythmic dances of light.
We ate blackberries straight from the bush and grandpa cut into the hard green flesh
to reveal the sweet graining seedy red splendor of the watermelon.
Dusk turned to dark and the creak of the porch swing
steadily behind me sang the song of safe haven.

Grandpa was there, silently watching the world go by
thanking God for his amazing artwork.

Stable:

The plane dropping from the sky and the steady thump of the runway
as the palpitations of my heart increased. "Here! We're here!"
I would begin to squirm in my seat waiting anxiously for the beautiful women in blue suits to tell me I could follow the pilot's command to "disembark the aircraft."
Running up the accordion hallway with my sister competing for the finish; anxious to see my grandma's hazel eyes sparkle as she looked at us as though she hadn't seen us in a century,
as though it were the first time ever. Love!
Grandpa standing quietly waiting, giving her rights to the first touch
but smiling just as loudly with the sparkle in his beautiful crystal blue eyes
as we happily screamed.
Tall and stoic he stood in his checked shirt,
brown shined shoes and beige pants creased from fresh pressing.

Familiar sights as we drove from the large country-western capital city
farther and farther west to smaller and smaller towns.
The roads turned ruddy red. Almost there!
Breathing changed, the car-weary travelers began to squirm again in anticipation.
The cows in the pasture. "Look nellie's waiting for me!" she exclaimed sighting the old brown mare as they passed by the last pasture fence of the neighboring farm. Warmth began to permeate her from her core.
Her heart sighed, "Home."

the world din quiets to the spiritual center of childhood

We were truly in God's country. Simple ideas, simple lives, God resided there.
Neighbors stopped in to visit talk of the day, the news the weather,
a steady din of the world just outside this place,
this sacred place "out yonder."
Home

Real:

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

~Velveteen Rabbit - M. Williams ~

Quiet:

Grandfather clocks ticking in the hallway, creeping stealthly down the hall,
the silence ringing loudly my footsteps,
heart pounding, blood racing,
if I was quiet enough, just quiet enough,
I could turn the corner to find them... the fairies and elves dancing.
heart pounding, blood racing, breath held...
A quickening of the spirit at the realization of the supernatural.

He was always there, watching over me.
That feeling, that amazing feeling that can be recalled now in silent meditation,
the still small voice brings the memories in between back,
the smells, the sounds, the aroma of Life comes back slowly
bringing a greater foundation of Truth.
He was there in the smells, in the sounds, in the sights
in the light of morning and darkness of night,
He was always there, ready to engulf me in that warm feeling,
palpable rhythm, aroma
I am Home

Want to play? Request 5 words in the comment section and I will get them to you.

Good day!

Today I was given the opportunity to interview for a new position. A position that would stretch me into a new direction, a more outwardly focused direction, a direction where I would be put in a position to serve as a liaison between municipality and business to be the conduit through which relationships are built.

I would really dearly love to have the opportunity to do that!

The interview went very well. I felt that in my gut. I would love to receive this opportunity fully!

In the meantime, I'm really really grateful to have been one of the 6 out of over 190 that brought on a positive enough impression through my experience and letter of application that they felt compelled to interview me in person. It's a great honor to even be considered!

A new awareness - a fellowship will grow up about you

This weekend after a great load of work on our back yard, we held a "gratitude" meeting around the fire pit to officially consecrate the home God has given us.

Friends gathered round after we all attended a speaker meeting where a wonderful friend spoke from his heart about his experience (so much I learn from those God places in my life) and his dedication to helping others. I've watched that dedication since I got here, he has a beautiful iridescent spirit that reaches out to help the most hopeless!

We stayed up at the fire enjoying the peace. When we were building the fire pit and clearing the yard of debris, raking and re-seeding, we were so focused on giving God our efforts and love and really assuring that we are good stewards of the gifts we are afforded. Like this miraculous place we live in, which was a true gift. We are now caretakers of this place, and share it willingly with anyone who might need a place to rest a place to laugh and feel friendship and fellowship. A place that you always feel welcomed.

When we finished our work last week we prayed and felt a Spirit of Peace that wasn't present before, a full awareness of the rightness of this place.

My first sponsor's dad died Friday night and we also spoke about their family at our gratitude meeting. A family where sponsors mom has been active in Alanon for over 40 years, where his dad was active in AA for over 30, and where the legacy carries on through kids and all us pigeons who roost with them too.

The dedication that has been gifted to me through their family can never be repaid. When asked what the fellowship could do for Ruth (sponsor's mom) she said, "Just keep bringing meetings."

"There was an estate nearby that belonged to Publius, the chief official of the island. He welcomed us to his home and for three days entertained us hospitably. His father was sick in bed, suffering from fever and dysentery. Paul went in to see him and, after prayer, placed his hands on him and healed him. When this had happened, the rest of the sick on the island came and were cured. They honored us in many ways and when we were ready to sail, they furnished us with the supplies we needed."

She just asked that everyone continue to bring the message of hope through their home and their lives, and share it with others bringing them too. When I was there last year we went to two meetings at their home that week, and we watched and participated as a new and raw young man received the power to take one more step, on his knees, toward this way of life. 20 people gathered in a home, not just a meeting room, sharing this message.

Back when I first got sober, we were up visiting this same family of recovery, when we were leaving it was raining and a rainbow began to form. I had been in the presence of this Spirit, this Love all week then, I had been enfolded in it. As I was leaving it broke me, I felt overwhelmed as though I was leaving home, my heart felt like it was ripping apart. I was gutted and raw and didn't know what to make of it. I decided it MUST be that I was supposed to stay there, that was where God wanted me, that was it! I got out of the car and couldn't go anywhere, I called my sponsor and provided my new insight about where I was supposed to be.

I was told, "Get back in the car and drive Jessie. What you experienced this week was the presence of God in your life, and what you need to learn is it's not a place, you carry it with you wherever you go. Now go back to South Carolina and watch 'a fellowship grow up about you.' "

I didn't always get it the easy way, I have received every promise in the book over and over again... the promises of inspirations and of absurd actions, the promises of miracles and of peace and love, the promises of friendship and fellowship, the promises of hardships survived and conquered.... I've received so much how can I help but want to open my house fully?

I didn't just get to participate in a family who had opened their house fully to anyone in need, sharing in what they've built. I got the ability to build another house, on another block in another state; and as promised, I got to watch..."to see a fellowship grow up about me, to have a host of friends!"

God that's good! It really is the best feeling! Just the best feeling!

I always wanted a house like my Grandma and Grandpa's house. They always had people stopping by, were always ready for the "unexpected guest" and in fact, I remember there was always an extra chair at the ready, empty and waiting.

"Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it."

Who Knew....

I got a call yesterday morning, following the interesting Thursday I just had, the spiritual significance is not lost on me, especially in light of last night's meeting.

I just love it when I go to a meeting and suddenly the topic turns just enough that the Spirit enters the room with a resounding BOOM of WOW and tears actually well up (for me ... my eyes water when I feel really really heavy spirit moments).

Anyhoo...

Yesterday I received an invitation to interview for a job. A really interesting and exciting job, a job that would take me WAY beyond my little inside the facility making sure the back stage stuff is always set job that I have now. It would require me to be a visible member and representative to the community in which I live, it would stretch me, requiring public speaking, participating in advisory boards and liasoning with community members.

I said, "Yes, I would love to. I'm so excited to have this opportunity."

And, for most of the day, I thought I meant that. Then I go to the meeting last night and in reading the last page or two of "To the Employers" there was some sharing about how unemployable some really feel, and the miracle of our perception in sobriety still not really yeilding us what God's view is as we run into old employers (of our sober days) who are happy to see us and then someone talked about experience with being the one in authority the one being put in a position of leadership and the feeling of inadequacy there, the feelings of not being qualified or prepared.

Suddenly I was hit, bowled over. I knew. I am scared ... REALLY scared... of success.
I think I "knew" (head knowledge) but now, with the things that have gone on over the last few days, and the call this morning, and the anticipation of movement, it's gotten to my heart.

I am aware now, as I have never been before, of an absolute NEED for God to be in the lead here. I believe He sets up circumstances which cannot be rationally explained (like the 20ft me of Thursday) so that I am absolutely clear on who is in charge and who gets to decide what I'm prepared for and what I'm not.

Am I an emerging leader of my own community? God and the community alliance seem to think so, even if I'm really not sure.

So, in trepidacious faith I step out and say, "Ok God, what next?"

A friend once described an old proverb...

A great tightrope walker has made MANY MANY successful walks across Niagra Falls. An enthusiastic fan is gushing about his skill and abilities. The tightrope walker says, "I've been so pleased with the encouragement you show, do you really believe I will make every trip successfully?:

The fan, head bobbing enthusiastically up and down says, "YES YES of course I do."

The tightrope walker goes over and grabs a wheelbarrow saying, "You really beleive it, even if I go with a wheelbarrow in front of me?"

The Fan, still vibrating with enthusiasm says, "Of course! Of course!"

The tightrope walker says, "Good, then get in!"

Another friend described faith this way:

"Christians have bumperstickers and slogans, believers have creeds and promises, disciples have scars and stories."

Every story of miracles I've ever heard 'and believed' has one thing in common. The person who was describing their miracle could tell the story with such a force, showing the twists and the scars to prove the adventur... you knew they had jumped in the boat for the adventure ride.

The rest, the encouragers, well they just don't have that ability, they have the knowledge of it happening, they've watched it, they've experienced the exhilleration of watching the tightrope walker go over, they feel the enthusiasm in the presence, but...they're missing one really important element. The experience of the ride.

Flash Friday 55 - Stop Sometimes

Sometimes I count the number of tiles
I cannot stop
Sometimes it's the numbers on the dial
I cannot stop
Sometimes it's white lines in a mile
I cannot stop
Sometimes I count my backwards style
I cannot stop
Sometimes I pray for God a while
I cannot stop

I find it stops the trial

Spiritual Economy

Today was a very very spiritual day.

It didn't seem that way from the outside, from the outside it looked like I dressed up a little nicer for a networking business lunch. To listen to a keynote speaker who was author of a political commentary "narrative" about "The world Obama Confronts and the Challenges to American Power."

It was a last minute invite from my boss a couple days ago, our organization sponsored the event and he booked a full table. Two coworkers got there before me and the co-worker I rode with, they said, "we just saw you (pointed at the 2 20ft screens adjacent to the podium) up there!"

"WHAT?!?" "Nuh-uh!" shaking my head.

"Yes," another person said, "It sure was you!"

Come to find out I seem to have become a representative for the "Emerging Leaders" of this area and all I did was accept an invitation to write some of my views down for a survey for an area business alliance. How does God do that? He just tricks you into doing a few little things and suddenly your picture and words are up front on two 20 foot screens spanning a stage where the movers and shakers of the community are gathered to network about the future and our role in it.

I sat down, floored, and a little freaked out frankly,

I had crashed into someone on the way in who happened to be a good friend from church, and coincidences are not lost on me, so...

I said a quick prayer, "God is this your work?"

They began with the invocation, introducing ... the rector from my church to pray.

Still playing coincidence or God?

I bowed my head for the prayer, misted up a little actually, and got a little more nervous,

I looked up just in time to see the server come to the table to pour me some more water, it was a friend from the program. I hugged her tight and told her how absolutely thrilled that God had put her there at that moment!

Today was a really amazing day!

"There must be, not a balance of power, but a community of Power;
not organized rivalries, but an organized peace."
Woodrow Wilson

A Heart Full of Love

Yesterday was an awesome day. And that's saying something because there was quite a bit of it that had me really really irritated and depressed. Board meetings, unclear future, re-organization, political red-tape mumbo-jumbo all covered over with a lot of people wanting to be important who chourused "yes yes that's wonderful, what a good job you've all done, how terrific that you put so much thought into this." While the organization itself, in spite of all the fabulous work that they've done on the beautiful ten pages of "agreement" as to how the organization will run, is falling apart. The actual organization (structure of vision and misson) is diminishing, but more sadly, the organization (the people) is falling apart...dissipating... people are leaving, and dejected, and disappointed, and scared, and hopeless.

I looked at the org chart yesterday, as I was cleaning, and found that of the 16 positions in our organization, 7 are empty or in the process of emptying (resignations fulfilling), 6 have been left because of discord, one was terminated. Not good odds really.

Well, the beat goes on....the beat goes on.

But, I did get caught up in the discord between the hurrahs and back patting of the board for their wonderful legal document, and the actual atmosphere I live in daily. I know God has it all in hand, I'm disappointed that it has to look like this because there is a disconnect between a symphony of politics and legal paper, and the actual instruments that are trying to play the song for the guests.

I went to a meeting. There were two things I looked forward to yesterday, going to the meeting and 5th step work with another alcoholic who had asked my help. I knew, KNEW, that the answer would come, it would come in that process of meeting and work with another alcoholic. It always does.

And, it did.

I got to the meeting and it was about the 11th step. There were newcomers in the room, 2 that admitted their "brand-spanking newness" and at least 3 more that I knew of who had only been to a few meetings sober.

Yesterday morning I was struck with a memory of a poem:

“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”
~S. Silverstein~

Well I knew it was somehow relevant, but had no idea why.

I got to the meeting and people were sharing about their ideas of God and what they found as they continued in the program. The thing that came to mind for me was the first experience, that first gut level experience of the kind of power and source I needed God to be when I first started life in sobriety. I talked about the rawness of the first few weeks, the anxiety, the irritation, and the final straw moment where I finally just dropped everything and prayed from my gut. And the beautiful moment that happened just then, the awesome realization of God, the one I had been trying to manufacture by doing all the assignments, and going to all the meetings, and trying what everyone said worked. Suddenly, when nothing else worked, in the absolute hopeless moment of complete and utter failure of everything I had tried to do, worked. I talked about what had happened that day, about the experience of that moment. And then the realization of the poem that I had thought about that morning. It was a visible sign, ever so long ago, of the God I know today... a recognition that He had been there all along.

I shared that idea in closing, that it might just be true that the power has always been there, that I have always been in that Presence, I was just absolutely unaware of it...couldn't see the signs, wouldn't accept a loving God idea, and I repeated the poem from my youth.

A woman tapped me on the shoulder right after I shared, right in the middle of the meeting. She whispered, "Don't leave before I talk to you, please!" She seemed dazed.

The rest of the meeting went on, I heard a lot of wonderful shares last night. Then the end, the prayer, and I turned to see that friend. She told me her experience.

"I got up this morning and called my daughter (her daughter has been in the hospital after a terrible experience with drugs) and she asked me if I'd go to the library and get her a book before our visit today." I did, and I took the book with me when I went to visit. When I got there she said, "Mom I have to read you these two poems." She pulled out the first:



And then, as you may already have guessed...

“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”
~S. Silverstein

The woman mistily shared how scared she was that her daughter was being released from the hospital, how scared she was that she wouldn't be able to handle it, that she couldn't do it. She shared her awe at how when she asked God for help this morning, how she just begged him to show her some sign that everything was in His hands and it would be ok.

Her daughter asked for a book, an easy thing to give, and God provided me, in that moment, (probably the same moment) the exact poem that he gave her daughter that day. The poem that tells of an idea. The Great Reality. There are a lot of woulda coulda shoulda's...they drown out the one thought, the One that is the Great Reality... He did.

6 other people came up to me after the meeting to chat about what I had shared, to tell me how much it meant to them, how much it affected them. 3 of them were new still trying to grasp the ideas that we share so readily once we've accepted them.

At the end of my work day in my really really crappy mood, I prayed from my Gut for God to show up and do the work, because I knew I was not spiritually fit, I just knew the juice wasn't flowing through me... as a channel, I was clogged up but good with ... well you know. I asked God for a sign, a big bright sign that everything was ok, that everything would be ok, that the girl who was doing her 5th step with me that night would be cared for despite my enormous clogs.

You know as well as I do now after this story... He already did. He had it all in hand this morning when I got up and was inspired by a poem from my youth. Or was it the first time I read that poem all those many years ago that was the beginning of His preparation? I'm not sure, but I have this theory I'm working on. :)

After that I dealt with a really really yucky situation surrounding locking my keys in the car on my way to the 5th step appt. The second attempt at the lock was me trying the spare key and it broke in half in the lock there was already some intense irritation and anger I was subject to as a result of not living up to expectations and inconveniencing someone else (disease still happens in my decisions and unclear communication between me and others) but it was somehow just a tiny pebble compared to the amazing show God put on last night. That kind of irritation used to drive me insane, and in my anxiety and fear I medicated with everything I had to numb myself and get away from the monsters in my head. I was so unaware, and so numb, and so full of hurt and anxiety... I just had no clue.

What a life we have at our disposal when we play the part we are supposed to play for the Great Director. All the back stage irritations and the difficulty with the rest of the actors and the crew and the props... well that just disappears when you look at the show from the Great Audience's perspective... He sure does show me Amazing Love and Grace!

And I wish that and more for each of you today and leave ya with just one more poem:

All the Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
Layin' in the sun,
Talkin' bout the things
They woulda-coulda-shoulda done...
But those Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
All ran away and hid
From one little did.
~S. Silverstein~